The Joke Thread

t4e · 25-01-2008, 11:56 PM

Doctor in Newfoundland

A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and
take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Garge.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
"So,Garge, How was your day?"
Garge told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir".
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?"
asks The doctor.

"Third, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading
her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

c00l.d00d · 26-01-2008, 09:43 AM

What do you do when you want to drown a blonde??
Easy. Put a mirror in the bottom of a pool.

PS: Blondes,please don´t kill me for that...

DhumKetu · 26-01-2008, 10:34 AM

What is marketing...?

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me! " - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: " He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: " Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:"By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! Me?" - That's Brand Recognition"

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - " That's Customer Feedback"

nJoy!

t4e · 26-01-2008, 11:00 AM

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.
A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other, and another customer asked,

"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine,

I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the blonde a piece of paper and a pen

and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had the hood

up and asked, "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said,

"Of course, it's right there."

Now open the photo.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6.../Jokes/710.jpg

DhumKetu · 26-01-2008, 11:32 AM

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don' t have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend, I know you were not involved".

admirallive · 26-01-2008, 11:59 AM

admirallive · 26-01-2008, 12:01 PM

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too effed up to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

DhumKetu · 26-01-2008, 12:06 PM

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

c00l.d00d · 26-01-2008, 11:12 PM

Q: What´s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife??
A: About 30kg...

piccoli · 27-01-2008, 09:27 AM

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."

When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."

admirallive · 27-01-2008, 05:02 PM

this reminds me of that movie where Eddy Murphy wanted to be a president in america and his friend told him the obvious fact why is it called a whitehouse

Dan · 27-01-2008, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by c00l.d00d

Q: What´s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife??
A: About 30kg...

rofl i was lol at this for 5 min

hahaha

robiejaegs · 28-01-2008, 09:46 AM

Woman walks into a porn shop asks the clerk if he any fake *****'s for her husband cause he's driving her crazy about sex she says.
Clerk says sure but we're limited to these two kinds and they're both $450
Woman says no that's way too expensive anything cheaper?
Clerk says yeah sure I got this huge Asian blowjob toad.
Woman says blowjob toad?
Clerk says yes it'll keep him sayisfied garunteed and it's only $50
Woman says OK almost anything to keep him off her EVERY night

Woman brings the toad home and the husband is all about it
Next day she comes home finds him trying to teach the toad how to do dishes and says what the hell are you doing?!!
Husband replies if I can teach this toad how to cook you're out of here
__________________

piccoli · 30-01-2008, 06:26 PM

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"

LMAO

t4e · 04-02-2008, 04:15 PM

A guy from Newfoundland is sitting at the bar in New York City and
looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the- art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the- art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Newfoundlander explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The Newfoundlander smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast...Can I buy you a drink?!"