The Joke Thread

[robiejaegs]

Ah! Rodney Dangerfield

Love his one liners wtg t4e

[Vicky Wood]

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking
it really scared me

so thats it!

no more reading!

[robiejaegs]

Originally Posted by magik

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking
it really scared me

so thats it!

no more reading!

Can't say I don't blame ya about the reading part

[Magpie]

Captain Diego Montoya Garcia, of the Spanish Armada flagship 'Quando' was on the deck one day when his first mate ran up to him and cried 'Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!'
Captain Diego turned a calm eye to his mate and said 'Bring me my red shirt.'
The first mate ran and got the captains red shirt, which he put on.
A fierce battle raged and the Quando was victorious.
After the battle, the first mate asked the captain 'Sir, why do you don a red shirt before battle?'
The captain yawned bravely and said 'If I am wounded in battle, the men will not see me bleeding, and they will be inspired.'
The mate was in awe of his wise captain. Just then, another crewman ran up to the captain and cried 'Captain! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!'
The captain turned to his first mate and ordered 'Bring me my brown pants.'

[Darlene]

Originally Posted by Magpie

Captain Diego Montoya Garcia, of the Spanish Armada flagship 'Quando' was on the deck one day when his first mate ran up to him and cried 'Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!'
Captain Diego turned a calm eye to his mate and said 'Bring me my red shirt.'
The first mate ran and got the captains red shirt, which he put on.
A fierce battle raged and the Quando was victorious.
After the battle, the first mate asked the captain 'Sir, why do you don a red shirt before battle?'
The captain yawned bravely and said 'If I am wounded in battle, the men will not see me bleeding, and they will be inspired.'
The mate was in awe of his wise captain. Just then, another crewman ran up to the captain and cried 'Captain! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!'
The captain turned to his first mate and ordered 'Bring me my brown pants.'

[Vicky Wood]

A man runs into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says "everyone has 1 minute to get out"....The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts "you bastard!!"

A lady and her best friend go on hols to the Caribbean & meet a muscular black guy. After a week of fantastic 3some sex they ask his name. he says "my name is Snow". The ladies start to laugh and he asks "Why you laughing?" The ladies reply "Our husbands will never believe we had 10 inches of snow in the Caribbean!"

[GreyDog]

A Man is driving around the country-side on a sunny afternoon.
As he drives, the man sees a chicken running down to road ahead of him, quite intrigued by how fast this chicken can run, he speeds up to take a look.
Upon reaching the running chicken, the chicken looks, and takes off like a bat out of hell. The man tries to keep up in his car, but at a 120Miles per hour, the chicken out runs the car.
The man can't beleive his eyes, and spots the chicken turn down a farmers driveway.
He has to understand what he saw, so he pulls into the driveway and spots the Farmer.
The man asks the farmer if he saw a Chicken run by at over 120 mile/hour.
The farmer claims "Uh Huh"
The Man's asks, "how is this possible?"
The farmer explains, " We breed 3 legged chickens here for that extra Drumstick.
The man says, "Thats amazing, how do they taste?"
Farmer says, "Don't know, never caught one yet"

[piccoli]

Originally Posted by Victoria

A lady and her best friend go on hols to the Caribbean & meet a muscular black guy. After a week of fantastic 3some sex they ask his name. he says "my name is Snow". The ladies start to laugh and he asks "Why you laughing?" The ladies reply "Our husbands will never believe we had 10 inches of snow in the Caribbean!"

genius

[dfx]

have you guys heard the latest news from portugal? that they had to close the national library of lisbon?


yeah, real shame... someone stole the book...

[piccoli]

Originally Posted by dfx

have you guys heard the latest news from portugal? that they had to close the national library of lisbon?


yeah, real shame... someone stole the book...

and was me who stole that

[robiejaegs]

I'm schizophrenic and so am I

[Vicky Wood]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it, Don't eat it, it's an ass hole!"

[c00l.d00d]

Originally Posted by Victoria

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it, Don't eat it, it's an ass hole!"

hahahahahahahhahaha...loved it..

[dfx]

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A: There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't shut.

Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.

[t4e]

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the

tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!


Why WAL-MART??



HELLOOOOOOOOO!




WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!