The Joke Thread

[in·iq·ui·trance]

This farmer had this rooster that insisted on having sex with the chickens in his barnyard all the time. The farmer told the rooster to go easy on the chickens, so the rooster moved out of the barnyard and started having sex with the livestock... the mares, the cows, the ewes, even the dogs.

Seeing this, the farmer got concerned. He came to the rooster and said,

"Rooster, if you don't slow down, you are going to kill yourself from too much sex!"

The rooster didn't listen, kept it up with all the animals, moving on to the other farms in the neighbourhood. One day the farmer saw the rooster lying dead on its side in the middle of a field, birds circling overhead. The farmer walked out to the rooster and sighed,

"Rooster, I told you you'd kill yourself."

But the rooster wasn't dead. He pointed up and said,

"I'm waiting for the buzzards."

[piccoli]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

[DJ Eunostos]

Originally Posted by t4e

710

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6.../Jokes/710.jpg

lol!!!!

that was great i cry

[piccoli]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:

A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake

[c00l.d00d]

Originally Posted by t4e

A guy from Newfoundland is sitting at the bar in New York City and
looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the- art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the- art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Newfoundlander explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The Newfoundlander smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast...Can I buy you a drink?!"

Very clever guy..
I bet he scored...

[robiejaegs]

How do you know when you are at a gay picinic?

The hotdogs taste like crap.

_____________

The difference between oooooooooo and AAAAAAAAAH!?

About 2 inches.

_____________

What did the leper say to the postitute?

Keep the tip.

[robiejaegs]

"I'm waiting for the buzzards" good one iniqui

[Darlene]

Subject: Cowboy & Indian

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.

Cowboy: 'Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?'

Indian: 'Dog no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'

Dog: 'Doin' alright.'

Indian: ( Look of shock )

Cowboy:'Is this Indian your owner?' ( Pointing at the Indian )

Dog: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Indian: ( Look of disbelief )

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Indian: 'Horse no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Good.'

Indian: ( Extreme look of shock )

Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' ( Pointing at the Indian )

Horse: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How does he treat you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.'

Indian: ( Complete look of utter amazement )

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Indian: 'Sheep liar.'

[DreamensioN]

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.
No Siemen was found .

[piccoli]

Originally Posted by DreamensioN

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.
No Siemen was found .

LMAO that what i call a mobile phone addict, some pf them vibrates.

[robiejaegs]

YouTube - Cheech and Chong - Don't answer the phone

[t4e]

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : "Nothing."
Wife : "Nothing.? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

-------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet."

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

_____________________
Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

-------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

[Altered-Mind]

Originally Posted by t4e

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : "Nothing."
Wife : "Nothing.? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

-------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet."

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

_____________________
Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

-------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

the ones i put in bold really crack me up!

[t4e]

WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD, BECAUSE . . ...

He said .. .

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to
time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself
now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when
you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
"Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early"

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of

had anything to play with.

[t4e]

Who's your best friend?

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife/husband in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!